A Girl Of My Dreams.

I was never the most vivid of dreamers, and much more often than not, would not recall much if anything about them, even immediately after awakening. In the dreams I did recall, I usually didn't notice my gender.  For the longest time, I assumed that I was male in most of them. I knew, whenever I was aware of my gender, I was always female. At the time, I took that to just be observation bias, if I was aware of my gender, it was because it was different and thus noticeable. I cannot recall a single instance in which my gender was prominent or notable, and also male. But again, even now, I cannot help but wonder if that's just bias, rather than a definitive sign.


I recall feeling more "at peace" after waking from these dreams, and they would always evoke the relatively common "it'd be nice if" daydream/thought process, but, as with all the other signs, none quite managed to get enough of a foothold against the surprisingly flimsy reasons against them.


Since beginning HRT, I have been remembering dreams on awakening slightly more and more vividly when I do. Not a massive uptick, but more, and they never seem to make any effort to show me stuff I'm hoping for. In them, I'm still more often not aware of any gender. Any post-waking analysis or mental retelling of them casts me as female, but again, I can't take that as having any direct value either. My understanding is that dreams are presented in a short burst of semi-incoherent images and feelings, and that the brain processes them, creating stories and linearity out of apophenia driven storytelling urges. So, I still don't think there's any grand meaning to my gender or lack thereof in my interpretations of my dreams.


I bring all this up because I've seen comments about the subject from various trans girls and their experiences and interpretations are as varied at they are., and felt that my own might help add one more point of data to the scatter plot. But also, I bring it up because of a story a friend recounted to me this morning.


They'd had a dream in which I was present, as an older brother. A bunch of stuff happens (as it is wont to do) including me getting kidnapped, but the way it ended was noteworthy. Apparently, the dream ended with a voice over epilogue, in which I was declared "Happy and safe, and had everything they needed." which is a lovely sentiment, especially coupled with the images at the time, of a sort of Cinderella transformation, and I quote, 'a lovely girl meeting you with a look of love on her face.'


That sounds pretty fuckin good to me. A++ sign me up for some of that bibbidi bobbidi boo!


My friend commented that upon waking, they were exasperated with their subconscious for starting me off as an older brother, but eventually decided to go easy on it because "It got the ending right after all."


I feel, as I told them, that this was all perfectly apt and understandable. I mean, my LIFE begun with me cast as an older brother, involved some confusion and misassumptions about gender, then a bunch of stuff happened (as it is wont to do) and now we're here. So, as I begin my slow magical girl transformation sequence, I can only hope that life too, gets the ending right.


<3
LRP


Current Vaguely Transition-Relevant Song: The Cranberries - Dreams
(All my life is changing every day, in every possible way.)