100 Days

So, this past week has had two big milestones for me and my transition.


One was that I passed 6 months since I realised I was trans. I know in my birthday topic, I said I didn't know what day that was, and I still don't, but it finally occurred to me that I could use my browser history to check when I started looking into specific terms, and that narrowed the window down to three days (between the "first significant search" and the "I'm pretty much certain I knew by then") so there's still a bit of wiggle room, a three day period of quantum gender identity. Schrodinger's Queer.


The other is I passed 100 days on HRT, and that's the one I'm going to talk about today. So yeah, progress has been made!


I feel I should put together a list of changes I've noticed. It seems the done thing, and may be useful in cataloguing my transition.
As such, this post will cover such potentially awkward topics as emotions, genitals and sex drive, in specifics which may put off some people. If you don't wanna hear about my ejaculate, best step away from this one.


Starting with the physical changes.


My Skin. My skin is wonderful. Between the pills, and the IPL treatments, my skin feels amazing. I've heard from other girls that in another couple of months it will be even better, but right now it's already so soft and smooth and I love it. As someone who has never liked her body, this change alone is pretty mindblowing, and I cannot wait for more!


My Hair. Honestly, I'm not noticing a massive change here, or rather, I'm noticing a significant reduction in body and facial hair that I attribute much more to the IPL than to the hormones. Still, it's overall showing a lot of promise. I have enough grey on my face that I'll need to start looking into electrolysis soon enough, but for now, my body hair is getting it's ass kicked. My head hair (is that seriously what it's called? Scalp hair I guess) is growing at a pretty good rate. It's reached a length where it's pretty annoying most of the time, but it's starting to get a nice curl to it. If it continues at the rate it's going, I should have a good 30cm by the time I'm prepared to come out in public.


Fat Redistribution. I'm seeing a bit of this. Not a lot on the waist or hips, but I've seen an increase in boob. Not a lot, but they're definitely kinda looking like that from certain angles. A measurement check suggests that I've gained about 3cm circumference at the nipple, and lost about 3cm circumference at the thinnest point on my torso. I've also lost about 3.6kg (though it's hard to tell because my scales lie to me, which means they were lying when I took my initial measurement too..)


Nipples. Definitely more pronounced. They've passed the first "pretty tender" phase and are, while still more sensitive than they were before I started, not sore by any real stretch. It was actually kinda nice when they were though, let me grab a quick squeeze and get immediate tactile feedback that changes were happening, which was definitely nice early on in the process!


Genital Stuff. So, the anti androgen I'm on (which I'll talk about in a little more detail some other time) is badass. My doctor warned me when giving me the pros and cons of the various options, that this one would nuke my sex drive from orbit. As someone who hasn't put that particular motive force to any good use beforehand, this wasn't a big downside to me, so I said bring it on. And it did. It was thoroughly brought. My masturbatory urges have basically disappeared. Not completely, I've had a few "feeling a bit horny" moments (though since a week or so in, not once has that been accompanied by any spontaneous erection) and I can still bring myself to arousal pretty easily if I desire. But, in general, I don't. I also, upon the last two or three such masturbations, have produced no ejaculate at all (the few prior to that were each diminishing compared to the previous) and the orgasms themselves have been less prominent. Between that, and the mild foreskin chafing that not producing precum seems to occasionally bring with it, it's generally just not felt worth it.


Sweat and Body Odour. A few minor changes here. I think I noticed a bit more sweating in some instances, but that could be observation bias, and/or the near total absence of underarm hair at this stage. I'm pretty sure that my body odour has started to shift in smell too, but my own sense of smell is fairly diminished so it's hard to tell. Actually, that's another thing that I hesitate to mention, but I've noticed smells a little more recently than I used to (since about puberty in fact, but I've never heard of such a correlation so that could just be coincidence)


Temperature. I've always had very cold fingers. It's something I've lived with all my life. My mum seems to suffer from it more than I (her toes too) but given the comparisons we've done have pretty much always resulted in mine being colder to the touch, I think maybe she just suffers more due to the cold, rather than actually being colder than mine. Still, this winter, I've had it intrude more than it usually does. Again, could be a coincidence, or it could be an effect of a slowed metabolism.


I think that about wraps up the physical stuff, on to the mental.


My Overall Mental State. Definitely improved. I've definitely been happier in general, more able to focus on the positive and pull myself out of bad moods easier. How much of this is HRT changing my brain chemistry, and how much of it is attitude changes brought on from finally taking these positive steps, that's really hard to tell. In fact, pretty much everything I'm gonna say here comes with a "hard to really tell if HRT is responsible, partly responsible, or not responsible" type disclaimer.


Emotions. So, I've had three crying fits so far. The first, very difficult to say if I would have responded differently had I not been on HRT. It was a bad situation. The other two, I suspect that hormones played a part, but both involved fights with my mother, something that has come pretty close in the past too, so how strong an effect is unclear. I have felt that those crys were generally more cathartic than the pre-HRT ones had ever been, and I've recovered from them faster than I used to. I haven't really found myself getting choked up or randomly emotional about stuff (or at least, not so much as I've noticed. Certainly not to the level that stories from other girls have described.) I did recently reread a wonderful two books, and the memories of the previous read formed I think a useful (if a little hazy) emotional control group. I don't think I got more emotional, or at least not notably so, all the parts I did get a bit choked up about were parts I can remember feeling similarly the first time. I do feel like the actual emotional response felt a little 'crisper' though, more coherent. It was an experience, and I think it went well.


Sexuality And Crushes. This one is probably worth a more detailed description in a separate post some other time, so I'll keep it general. For something like a decade and a half I operated under the assumption that I was some form of Asexual (without knowing that word for a part of that time of course) because I was never really interested in sex with me as a participant. I thought lesbian sex was neat, but it wasn't for me, because I was a dude. In discovering I was wrong about that last part, I'm re-evaluating the earlier parts too. This contemplation is being complicated slightly by my testosterone blockers kicking the shit out of my sex drive. So I'm not sure where on a spectrum of "Ace" to "Lesbian-With-Incompatible-Parts" I end up on. It's hard to know just yet what is genuine sexual disinterest, what is chemically induced disinterest, and what is girl with dysphoria stuff.
What I can say, is that I've developed a crush. This also, essentially, hasn't happened in a dozen years or more. Going through Re-Puberty may be the cause, may be a contributing factor, or it could just be the above mentioned re-evaluation letting me be open to possibilities. Hard to tell. Pretty sure nothing will come of it though, no real reason to believe this is a mutual thing and even if it was I don't believe she'd pursue anything anyway. While the experience itself is not totally unpleasant, the awkwardness and anxieties it occasionally provokes, not to mention the spikes of irrational jealousy (irrational for many reasons, not least being I have no right to feel entitled to any sort of claim over her) are all things I could really do without. I very much value her friendship too much to allow something as base as the periodic strong desire to smooch her to interfere with it. I hope she knows this, and I hope my body and brain will also get that message sorted out.
In the meantime though, I get to feel awkward sometimes, and spend a bunch more worrying if I'm making her feel awkward too. That sort of stuff I'm not so keen on.


So, those are the things I have noticed so far. Overall, I'm happier than I think I've ever been, or at least, my baseline seems to have shifted upwards, and I am optimistic for the future.


<3
~LRP


Todays Vaguely Transition-Themed Song: Tool - Forty Six and Two
(Stepping through my shadow, coming out the other side)