The Other Me

I have three gorgeous pet axolotls, I have an urge to try rock climbing again, and I have a hobby that I haven't felt inspired enough to work on since around when I started HRT.

I mention those things because they share a connection that is not apparent. They are all things where to some degree or another, I have had to (or will have to) decide if they are a part of my LRP life, or of my ORM life.

Because I had a long running online identity before I figured out I was trans, and one that in some places can be connected to my real name and personal details (although, I have largely avoided facebook and the traps it presents) I was faced with a dilemma when I realised I was transgender, and that I wanted to talk about it.
If I came out on my ORM account (I will clarify here that ORM is not an acronym for my other screen name, but in fact stands for Original Recipe Me, fitting, especially since I don't like KFC, or at least what's on the outside of it. The inner bit I tend to enjoy just fine, but the outer coating upsets my stomach.)
Anyway, if I came out on my ORM account, either in part or in total, I would effectively put the knowledge of who I am in the hands of whomever stumbled across it, and they may use that to impede my everyday life, or simply have it get out on it's own and no longer in my control. Given I am attempting to take this slowly and only release the news on my own terms, this simply would not do.

So, a new identity, one where I could be the authentic me was needed, and Little Red Panda was born. (I guess, that's another one to add to the list of rebirthdays list, along with the two others that have occurred to me since, being the day my gender is legally acknowledged, and the day I change my name, something I still haven't decided to do but am coming more and more fond of the idea.)

Little Red Panda let me talk about who I was in places I had never been to but could be trawled for usernames to dox or harass, and in places I have already existed but didn't want to be recognised by people I had not let into my inner circle. 
It proved a little awkward to get her email address up and running, because everywhere seems to want a phone number to verify accounts these days, and mine are linked to ORM. but I persevered and found a way. (I am not 100% sure if what I last attempted to achieve it worked, or if one of the earlier attempts just took some time to come through, but if anyone is in my situation, when I attempted it, a gmail account needs a phone number but a google account does not and you should then be able to use that google account to access your fresh email.)

I am much better at it now, but I have, at times, replied by accident as LRP with my ORM account on twitter. Luckily, those have been quickly deleted, and not to people where it would harm or out me. Lately, I've taken to muting people on my ORM account that I interact primarily (or totally) through my LRP account, and that helps, though it does cause some of its own problems.

LRP also has given my a space to explore my personality and any shifts that occur, of which I have noticed a few LRP is much chattier and open about her life, and her feelings, than ORM ever was. Her twitter account's ratio of "public tweet" vs "replies" is substantial, while ORM's account is used pretty much to reply to friends and artists I follow. She's more willing to just talk openly when she feels like it, and as a result, She's currently got twice as many followers and her most "liked" tweets have utterly eclipsed the equivalent in ORM's account. Even with the reduced pool of people I'm comfortable sharing this information with (which is now up to about two dozen) She still has more friends than ORM does. Or at least, She's the interaction point for more of the ones I'd consider friends.

Plus she has this blog. ORM has created a few hobby diaries on specialist forums for her works, and, as I mentioned in the opening, she had a livejournal back in highschool, but overall they've never felt the same. It wasn't much of a conversation. I would post my work, and bask in whatever praise it received, but little else. LRP though, she talks openly about stuff, not just to her friends, but in a public-ish place. They aren't reaching many people, for the most part, because this is still a small blog and twitter with very few followers so far, but she's talking out loud. I think it's nice, I guess, to think of the popularity of this more authentic me. I like her a lot more than the old me too.

All of this may be selection bias. I use this account when I have "Something To Say" where as ORM's is, as it's been for some time, used pretty much exclusively to follow friends. But I think it's a hint of the slight personality shifts I'm already beginning to see.

But I feel like this also follows in everyday life to an extent. I'm more chatty and open with the people to whom I am out, than those I am not. A huge amount of this is the selection bias that those are the people I was already comfortable with, sure, but I feel like, at least a little, what I talk about and how, in the meat world, is a reflection of the versions of my online accounts. Those who only know ORM, vs those who also know LRP.

But there is a downside to this double life, and thats where axolotls and rock climbing and such comes in to it.

With everything interesting that I do, or consider doing, I have to decide, is this something I share with my LRP friends and followers, or with ORM's? When I have an excellent day at the zoo with some new friends, if I talk about it as LRP, then I have to be careful about what (if anything) I say about it as ORM.

This means, that my cute as shit little water babies, which I adore, I have to be careful with who I talk to about. I decided they were a LRP thing, because LRP has more friends than ORM does, she's better at making them I guess. Anyway, So I have all these photos and feels, but they can only be shared through specific means, with specific people. When I go onto an art stream as ORM, I can't talk about my axolotls at all, except in private messages to people who already know LRP. It's yet another aspect of my life that is hidden, and the number of those aspects continues to grow with each such decision.

I can (and have) shared with a few work colleagues my Axolotl news, but only those who don't know me as ORM, and are unlikely to search that information and through it, connect me with my LRP accounts, and through that, my transgender identity.

Axolotls are of course, just an example, I have events and even friends that I can't really share with ORM people. (Curse LRP's increased personability!)
For the record, My axolotls are named Pancake, Truffles, and Pumpkin, and photos, anecdotes and updates about them can be found with some regularity on my twitter account.

Which brings me to the second of my examples, and the decisions it represents. Rock climbing.

One of my new friends has through her own interest in the subject, reminded me that once upon a time I was fond of it myself. I never pursued it with any real effort, but I recall a few romps at the YMCA or some such place as a kid. Once I grew out of my interest in participating in physical activities or really doing anything that reminded me of the specifics of my physical body, it went away, but I used to like climbing a lot. And it'd make for a good physical activity and method of exercise.

So I looked into places where I could try it out. A place leapt out at me. Excellent.
Only, then the ever present thought occurred, and I had to do the maths, weigh up the risks, and decide if this was an LRP thing, or an ORM thing, and more importantly, if it could safely and comfortably be both. If I signed up and started attending with any regularity as I am now, presenting as a male (albeit one with increasingly nice boobs) once I flip the switch and get to be out and female all the time, that causes some problems and potential for reactions to go poorly. Plus, what if it doesn't work, and I'm outed early? (OMG speaking of boobs, what if I have to wear a sports bra or a binder? Mens Locker Rooms are bad enough as it is! Ugh!) When you factor in the trouble trans people (especially trans women) go through in regards to bathroom and changing room situations, a gym seems like a minefield of potential transphobia, dysphoria, and general ickyness.

So, do I go to the gym, and hope for the best when in two years I show in a skirt, with the knowledge I may need to walk away from this thing I am fond of for a second time (assuming I still like it and my frail bag of meat doesn't let me down)

Or maybe I put it on hold, wait till I'm ready to go as a girl before I start. One more part of my life to anticipate but deny myself for now.

And, if I do that, well, then do I wait till I've had all my bits sorted out before I go? I'll be able to avoid the difficulties of wangs-in-the-way (or the super fun experience of rigourous physical activity while tucking!) and could skip the entire trans thing altogether. But that's another year or more further away. I'm already expecting to do that with swimming (another activity I enjoyed as a child and then immediately noped out of at the first hints of puberty) because, tucking in a swimsuit is just begging for trouble. It all starts to feel like the less great part of a desire to be a disney princess (in this case, it’s feeling very "When will my life begin?" from Tangled.)

I could try to find a different, less ideal place to learn and play in the meantime, safe to burn and walk away from once it's over or it all goes wrong. But that comes with it's own problems (plus what if there's cross pollination between the two gyms? maybe best not to chance it.)

So there we have an example of the LRP/ORM split completely away from either online persona. Again, not the only one. This is a part of my existence now, doing the maths, figuring out the risks.

Third one. My hobby. Not much to talk about, except that it's a thing I am (or at least was) visibly involved in as ORM and thus, something I cannot directly involve myself in as LRP. This may be part of why I've not picked it up for the past 7 or so months.
There's also a number of characters that I've had my various artists I follow as ORM draw. I like them, but for now at least, they are an ORM thing, and something I can't discuss here. (This is particularly frustrating because one of those characters I recently realised has some interesting (to me at least) trans-experience parallels, but she's effectively off limits unless discussed in very vague terms)

And that brings us full circle. Something LRP can talk about and ORM cannot, something between the two and the difficulties that can present, and something ORM had already claimed so has to be shut away till the "singularity" when my accounts can merge and I can be the complete and authentic me.

This is the hidden downside to my longer than many others journey out of the closet. Because I am partially still in there, part of me is still hidden, and even the people that know the LRP me, don't get to see everything unless they're someone who knows both parts. Over time, I've noticed I've begun to shrink away from my ORM accounts in favour of my LRP ones. Once the time comes to switch from ORM to LRP in the real world, I may just do the same online. I suspect a double identity will get even more tiresome over the next two years, I doubt I'll want to keep it up, so I suspect that when the time comes, ORM accounts will become LRP accounts, or continue to fade away into the past.

<3
~LRP

Todays Vaguely Transition-Themed Song: Ben Folds Five - The Best Imitation Of Myself
(Yeah it's uncanny to see, you'd really think it was me.)